Disappointments & Me Time

On Monday afternoon, I received a phonecall that left me feeling upset and disappointed. Thankfully, at the time, a good friend was here and she gave me a hug and we went out for coffee and shopping!

Then, on Monday evening, I read in my Word 4u 2day about the Roman soldier in Luke 7:9 where Jesus says:

"I've yet to come across this simple trust anywhere in Israel..." (NIV)

I was reminded that all I have to do is trust. But...that's easier said than done isn't it???

Yesterday afternoon, I decided that I would have some "me" time and sat myself down with my bible, journal, Word 4 u 2day, a good book, my phone on silent and a vanilla latte. During this time, I read Hosea 14 and verse 9 stood out to me.

"The LORDs ways are right. Good people live by following them, but those who turn against God die because of them." (NCV)

The part that stood out the most was "The LORDs ways are right." It reinforces what I read on Monday and the fact that in the face of disappointments, I need to continue to trust that God knows what he is doing.

I am learning that taking time out just to be me is invaluable for my relationship with God as it is during these times that I can hear him most clearly.

Looking Back!

I have recently begun to use my journal again having only journalled sporadically over the last few years. Last night, I spent some time looking back at what I had written previously and came across some notes I had journalled from my Word 4 U 2day back in November 2008.

It was referring to Numbers 17:5 where God appointed Aaron as the new leader for Israel. It pointed out 3 things:

1. Whose staff grew blossom - God doesn't pick his leaders because they're perfect. He sees potential qualities he can use to fulfil His purposes.
2. Where it blossomed - Certain things can only happen in God's presence. Sort out your priorities and set time to meet with God each day and stick to it.
3. When it blossomed - Your faith grows when you are going through hard and dark times rather than when everything is cool.

This really got me again last night when I read it as I realised that I don't need to be perfect for God to be able to use me...what a relief! God can use me where I am now if I make myself available to him, which leads in to the second point about where the stick blossomed. I am beginning a new adventure and am feeling very excited about it.

I will be setting aside time each day to spend with God but it will probably not be in the traditional way. I will be taking my bible, journal and camera out and about with me and will see what God wants to do through these times. I will try to use my camera to take photographs either relating to what God speaks to me about or just of something I feel makes a great photo.

I have found the third point to be true already and hope that as I grow in my relationship with God, my faith will grow all the more and that I will live in the knowledge that I am fulfilling God's purpose for my life.

I will also be blogging about what I am learning on this journey so please feel free to join me.

Long Time No Blog

Apologies for the lack of blog for the last couple of months, a lot has been happening and I have also lacked the inspiration for what I should write and wondering whether anyone really reads this and whether what I write is just being read or whether it is having an impact that I am unaware of.

Well anyway, I have decided that I will keep going with it.

Since I last blogged, I have been to the hospital twice. The first appointment, I felt, was a waste of time as the registrar said that the only cure for arthritis is a knee replacement and that I'm too young and he wasn't sure it would help anyway. I was then sent for X-rays and to wait for an appointment for an MRI scan. Another appointment was booked for the end of October.

The second appointment, was more successful. I saw the consultant who heads up the knee team and he is going to do whatever it takes to get my knee as good as possible, starting with a keyhole surgery in December to try to resurface the groove the kneecap tracks in as he thinks the problem is there from the chondroplasty I had done in 2007. If this doesn't work, then he is willing to do a knee replacement. So at last, it seems there is some light at the end of the tunnel and the day when I will be able to do things I used to be able to do is getting nearer.

In my last post, I mentioned about the positives I have found in having time to myself and not having to go to work. One of these is that I have been able to be there for a friend who has had a difficult time recently and had I been at work, I would not have been able to do this. God's timing is perfect and even if I don't know what he's doing, I just have to trust him, do my bit and then let him get on with his bit.

My routine has gone out of the window recently as I found it very restricting and was beginning to feel guilty if I did something that wasn't written on the sheet for that particular time, even if it was something that I really didn't need to feel guilty about such as fitting in meeting a friend for coffee instead of reading a book. This has led me to make the decision that I am no longer going to plan my days as rigidly.

As I said in my last post, my time is precious and I need to use it wisely, knowing my limitations and working within them but at the same time, aiming to bring glory to God in all that I do.

Week 2

I am now nearing the end of the second week of my new routine and have to say that although I haven't done much reading this week, it has been almost as tiring as last week.

This week, I have spent more time meeting up with friends for coffee than I have reading. This isn't a bad thing and it has been great catching up with people and getting to know them better.

At the start of this week, I had 4 books that I had started reading and none of which I had finished...I am now down to 2 and hope to be down to 1 by the end of the week. I have no idea why I feel the need to try reading several books at the same time but hopefully this means that in the future, I will be able to finish reading a book before I start another one. 2 will probably be the number as I tend to have one book that I read before I turn my light out at night and the other one will be Just Walk Across the Room which we are doing as a series at church at the moment.

Yesterday, I started the Discovery Workshop which helps to identify the areas in which you have gifting, what you're passionate about and therefore how and where you are best suited to serve within the church. I did the course back in 2002/2003 when I was on my placement year from university and found it very useful but felt that I ought to do it again as I have done a lot since then and changed and grown as a person. Unfortunately, I will miss the last session due to my hospital appointment.

I am looking forward to seeing the consultant but I am also nervous as I have no idea what he will say and hope that he doesn't say what the others have said which is that they can't do anything. This prospect scares me as I can't deal with the fact that I may be like this for the rest of my life or even the significant future.

I look forward to the day when I will be able to go to work, the gym, bowling, cycling, dancing and all the other things I used to do before that I can't do at the moment. I know this day will come but need to learn that it will be in God's timing and not mine.

I can see that God is using my time off work to build me and there are positives from it such as being free to meet friends for coffee and new friendships. I am reminded though that my time is still precious and I need to use it wisely, knowing my limitations and working within them but at the same time, aiming to bring glory to God in all that I do.

A Fresh Start

In my last post, I mentioned that I had got completely out of the routine I started earlier on in the year and that two friends had agreed to keep me accountable.

Well, Monday was the first day of my fresh start. So far, it has been going well but feel as though I may have tried to push myself too hard which means that today I am feeling very tired.

When I think about the problems with my knee, I look at them as purely physical but in fact, there are other factors involved. I forget that it takes me more energy to be able to do things than it used to and that I get tired quicker (this one I don't quite understand but need to acknowledge that it is there).

I have tried to fill my days with reading, bible study, studying books that will help when I finally come to a point where I can think about working again and meeting up with people for coffee. The last two days, I have got to lunchtime and felt completely exhausted and have realised that I was trying to fill every 30 minute slot in my day (9am-5pm) with something and forgetting that I need time to STOP! I know you could say that my stop time is in the evenings but what about those evenings that I have something planned for?

I have also realised that for Monday to Thursday, I planned to go out during the day and so need to be up at 7.30am so mum can help me get dressed before she goes to work meaning that I am unable to have any lie-in and have busy days planned.

Although I know my friends only want to help me to get the most from my days and I agree that structure is good, I think that I need to revisit this and understand my limitations and work within them.

I am a perfectionist which means that when I do something, I do it to the best of my ability and want to do it well so having to work within the limitations my knee puts on my life at the moment is difficult but I am still trusting God's promise that he is preparing me during this time for something I am going to do in the future that I don't have a clue about yet! I am also still believing that

"...in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 NIV)

So although this may be a difficult season for me, I believe that it will also be a season of growth.

God Knows What's Going On Even if I Don't!

I was reading my daily devotional the other day, and it was talking about Lazarus being raised from the dead and gave 3 lessons we can learn from his story (John 11). It was the 3rd one that stuck out most for me:

"Jesus can set you free...God's Word was greater than the grave clothes that bound Lazarus; and it's greater than whatever it is that binds or limits you.

You may not completely understand it, but trust that He knows what you're going through, He can restore what you've lost, and He will set you free; pray that your faith will grow, and you'll be amazed that things that seem impossible will be changed by God." (Word 4u 2day, 29 August 2009)

This just confirmed for me that although I don't understand why everything is taking so long for my knee to be sorted, God knows what I'm going through and He has plans for me that are beyond what I can see at the moment.

Recently, I have got completely out of my routine and my days seem to be filling up with 'junk'! I met with 2 friends recently and they have agreed to keep me accountable on my keeping of the routine I started months back but that has now disappeared. Although it means that I need to make sure that I spend my time wisely, it doesn't mean that I can't spend time meeting friends for coffee during the day. The plan is simply to give me more structure within my week.

I am off for a few days away to Southsea with a friend which hopefully means that I will come back feeling refreshed and ready to go for it with my more structured week.

I will keep you up to date with how I am getting on.

Stop!

At church on Sunday, Simon spoke about Sabbath and asked what it's relevance is today. He said that God created a rhythm to life - that there would be work and there would be rest. He asked the 'where do you need to re-find the rhythm of life? How do you spend your day? When do you cross the line and stop working?' He spoke about the need to make time in your day when you just stop.

I have been thinking about how this applies to my life as I am currently unable to work. So am I stopped all the time? No! I have appointments to go to, physio to do, hospital appointments to sort out etc. On Monday morning, before I'd even had a cup of tea, I'd started on my to-do list for the day.

Before my operation in 2007, I was working 40 hours a week in a busy HR department, was heading up the coffee team at church and often needed to be there early to drop off supplies or stand in if one of the team didn't turn up. In addition to this, I had day to day chores to get done including washing, ironing, shopping, cooking dinner, washing up, cleaning etc. Although my flat mate and I shared the cooking, cleaning and washing up. My life was busy!

Now, that has all changed, I have time to stop! But the temptation is there to fill the gaps. I think we all like to be busy as we feel that's how we're supposed to be.

A few months back, I started a routine (see post titled 'My New Routine'). I wouldn't switch my phone on, facebook, email, answer the phone until after 11am. This gave me time to stop and read my bible and spend time with God before I began my day. This routine seems to have got lost somewhere but I will be bringing it back again (as much as possible whilst I'm still on the tablets mentioned in previous post).

I have been thinking that perhaps I should look on all this free time as a God-given blessing and spend more time reading my bible and studying it, reading books and listening to podcasts etc as well as spending time meeting up with friends for coffee or days out.